Finding Your Bootcamp

So, six and a half weeks ago I started extreme fitness bootcamp.  It’s basically an hour every morning of non-stop exercise torture — sit-ups, push-ups, running, sprinting up hills, climbing stairs — you get the idea.

The first day I passed out.

The third day I came home with flu like symptoms.

The fourth day I couldn’t get out of bed — literally, my muscles were too sore to lift me up.

The fifth day I was depressed.

Depressed?  I kept asking myself, “why they heck am I depressed!?  I just finished a week of the most grueling exercise regimen I have ever done!  There is nothing to be depressed about!”  I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I was tired and loosing energy, and it wasn’t from all of the lunges or squats.  There was something inside of me that was draining the life right out of me!  I was feeling great, my body was quickly responding to the healthy diet and physical activity.  What was the mystery culprit?

The next day I went into the office to finish up some work, and it dawned on me.

I was horrible!

No, really.  I was awful with bootcamp.  I found myself minutes behind even the 40+ year old soccer moms when we ran, I could barely do a handful of push-ups, and my clothes were drenched after 15 minutes (I could literally ring out my t-shirt).  I felt the looks from everyone else on the squad burning into my ego.  I mean, I knew that I was out of shape, but it was now glaring at me in the face.  For the first time in a long time I was the worst in the team, strenuously working my way up.

I had to learn to learn again.

I think for many leaders, we enjoy being in arenas where we are the experts.  We like to be the ones that are teaching others how it is done and what know needs to happen.  Situations where we are the learners and the inexperienced make us feel downgraded, unimportant and uncomfortably weak.  It’s easier to stay with what’s easy than to venture into unknown waters, risking failure and humiliation.

For leaders to continue growth, we need to constantly be stepping into arenas where we are going to be miles behind the 40+ year old soccer moms.  We have to find places where we are once again the learners and not the celebrated heroes.

And it isn’t to become well-rounded individuals at all.  When leaders tell me that they are well-rounded, it means that they aren’t great at anything, but average at alot of things.  No, we need to move into these places so that we can remember what it is to learn!  So that we can continue to sharpen our reflexes to risk greatly and move in the face of failure.  Whether its making a short film, writing a blog everyday for all of your friends to critique or running a marathon — these things keep pushing the essence of our life forward.

Today I ran 3 miles in the Hills of Chino.  Tomorrow will be 3 1/2.  I’ve lost 28 lbs and 21 inches and feel amazing.  I start another 12 weeks on Monday of bootcamp, and I’m hoping to keep up with the soccer moms this time.

What’s your bootcamp?

Recession of Ambition

I grew up in the suburbs.

Even thought it was just a 30 minute drive into Los Angeles from my house, our woulds could not have been more different.  Within walking distance of my house were strawberry fields, dairies and pleanty of southern-fried everything.  And while all that has dramatically changed since my childhood days, it is still, well — the suburbs.

I was a different kid growin up in the suburbs as well.

I was a dreamer.  The kid who had huge plans and big aspirations for what I was going to do with my life.  I suppose all kids have that, but as I got older, mine never seemed to wear off.  While most of my friends had dreams of working at Wal-mart and completing level 5 of Halo on x-box live, I was dreaming about creating beautiful experiences that were going to forever change all of humanity.  I seriously thought I had a disease.  I wondered why I couldn’t just be content with living out the American dream of a wife, a home, 2.5 kids and cat.

When I moved back home after college, the chasm between me and my peers could have been the Grand Canyon.  Many of them had moved further and further into apathy, and I had developed a greater passion to do something that mattered.

It was then that it hit me.

People move to the suburbs to escape the little voice that is inside of them that is calling them to something bigger.  It’s safe here.  There isn’t anyone driving you towards greatness, or reminding you that there is a huge world out there beyond the strawberry patches.  It sucks the need from our souls to move to the next level and experince something beyond ourselves.  There is simply Wal-Mart and x-box live and the American dream.  What more would you need?

We are in a recession.

That may seem like an incredibly unnecessary statement, but out recession goes much further than dollars and cents.  We are in a recession of ambitions — of dreams and hopes and life.  You see, the economy will eventually bounce back and everyone will have jobs and food and security again.  But without a community of dreamers and leaders willing to help push people to the next level, all of those resources will be pointless.

I live in the suburbs,

I feel like I am sitting on an oil field of dreams that are lying dormant under the surface.  Possibly the greatest untapped resource in the western hemisphere.  What would happen if we drilled down deep enough?  I can only imagine what would happen if all of the talent and passions of the suburbs of the world were awakened.

– the rest of this post was not saved, as my wireless session timed out at Panera.  Maybe I’ll finish it later when I have the energy

Jon and Kate + The Empire

I really don’t watch all that much television.

However, I have found – not from heroine, coffee or crack cocaine, but from television that I have an incredibly addictive personality.

I find myself religiously glued to the screen for select shows that conveniently come steaming across my living room on the regular. The addiction comes without rhyme, reason or pattern, and has included everything from Groomer Has It to American Idol. One could do an abnormal psychology case study on my obsession of LOST – and it doesn’t stop there. After watching an episode, I will then Google every YouTube video, fan site, webisode, news story and IMDB page I can find on the show. Ridiculous, I know.

My latest addiction has been TLC’s Jon and Kate Plus 8.

If you aren’t familiar with it, Jon and Kate Gosselin are parents of twins and sextuplets. It’s a reality show based on how two normal parents cope with raising 8 crazy kids, showing how everyday situations become monstrous tasks when you have 6 two year-olds to look after. And despite the craziness of their lives, America has fallen in love with little Aaden, Joel, Collin, Hannah, Leah, Alexis, Maddy and Kara. The family’s commitment to faith, love, family and commitment is incredibly rare and inspiring in a world of dysfunction and divorce.

And, as the show has grown, so has the celebrity for this family. Bigger home, more magazine covers, frequent trips and talk show appearances, book deals leading into book tours leading into best sellers and more money – all for the kids, of course.

Over the past few weeks it would be near impossible to miss all television and tabloid drama surrounding the family. Jon has been accused of cheating on Kate, Kate has been accused of cheating with the body guard – a mess in general. And to top things off, last night’s season premiere featured an awkward and distant Jon and Kate talking about how they have gone separate ways and are not too sure what the future holds. A simple twitter search of the word Kate reveals how sad and disgusted America is after watching all of this happen.

The crazy thing is, they are signed up for another 39 episodes, come hell or high water.

What a situation we have here…

• A family is born, centered around the values of faith, family, love and commitment.

• Family creates empire around the values of faith, family, love and commitment.

• Empire grows out of control and attack the very values it was built upon

• Empire cannot be destroyed, because it now financially fuels the “value driven” family.

• Family continues to tirelessly build the empire while faith, family, love and commitment dissolve all around them.

The future has yet to be seen, but one can feel the ugly tidal wave that is rumbling in the distance. Rather than watching little Joel go on his first date, or Hannah attend the senior prom – we will probably only hear rumors of the resentment and dysfunction of the once beautiful Gosselin family that died trying to keep the empire alive.

As I look at the religious institutions of our day, I wonder if this narrative is happening all around us? They cling to their empires – once great movements connected to worthy values. They read of days past filled with beauty, wonder, the miraculous and personal wholeness. But they found themselves on more magazine covers, buying bigger buildings, frequent trips and television appearances, book deals leading into book tours leading into best sellers and more money – for the sake of the gospel, of course. And as the empire grew, they could no longer control it – it controlled them. And since it made them comfortable, filled their mouths with rich food and made pockets wealthy, they couldn’t destroy it.

So, here they are. Tirelessly building an empire while we watch faith, hope and love dissipating all around them. We probably won’t watch humanity move towards wholeness or see creativity abounding within their castle walls – we will probably only hear rumors of the resentment and dysfunction of the once beautiful community of faith that died trying to keep the empire alive. The great thing about reality is that it is change with every choice made. And where there is freedom to choose, there is always hope.

choose wisely Jon and Kate.

Forgetting the Music

Today I was at the gym doing my normal thing… 20 minutes of cardio, 20 minutes of weights and then another 20 minute of cardio. Pretty much the same thing everyday, switching up the cardio and weights to give it some variety (and to keep me sane).

There is this one woman that I see every other day or so. She must be in her late 30s, short, latino… always wears this tight black workout suit, a red bandana and dangling gold earings. I am always leary of the people that wear full make-up and jewelry to workout (esepcially the men). But I digree. We will call this woman Tina.

Now, Tina looks like the real spunky type. The type that keeps things going at parties, or has real crazy ideas for a friday night excursion. But there is one funny thing about Tina… she is always on her cell phone while on the eliptical. I kid you not — non stop through the whole thing while huffing and puffing to the rhythm of her feet gliding over the air. Once a call ends, she finds another person to converse with while working off the few fat cells that she might have left on her body. I cannot tell you how many times she says, “gotta go, someone is on the other line” as well. And when she is done, she walks out of 24 Hour Fitness -you guessed it- on the phone.

It made me think… are we really that busy that we now have non-stop conversations while at the gym? As if our lives were so packed that we couldn’t fit all the conversation in our allotmen of 2 hours each day?

I smiled smuggly and walked off to the bench press.

It was at this point that my iPod told me the battery was running too low to continue playing the south park episode I was watching on the treadmill. (I relalixe how ironic that statement is after I just made that judgement about my workout buddie, Tina — just keep tracking with me) So, I switched it over to the music.

I actually hadn’t listened to alot on the iPod in a while. Maybe a couple of years.

You see, I used to live and eat and breathe and drink music. I was a music whore, always looking for the newest bands, the latest trends and continuously looking for the next song that would be the anthem for my week. But not lately. In fact, when my friends would ask me, “What are you listening to these days?”, I would pause and say, “not much”, unaware of the potency of that statement. I justified it by being the cool guy who was going on a musical hyadus to find my own musica voice.

Far from the truth…

You see, somewhere along my journey I forgot about the music. I forgot about play and fun and enjoying life. Somewhere between carefree and becoming completely responsible for leading the free world, I lost my soul. Not in the sense of “I sold my soul to the devil” or “I left my soul in El Paso” — I just lost the beauty of life in trying to acomplish life. Not only have I not written a song in over three years, I have not really enjoyed the music in over three years.

So, as I sat on the bench press, I took it all in. The chords, the musical phrasing, the inter-mingling of notes and melodies… I almost starting singing in the mirrored room full of mass amounts of muscle, sweat and testosterone. It felt like I got a glimse of what was missing.

For me, everything is spiritual. When I play music, when I expercize, when I have great conversations over coffee — it all makes me feel more connected to God. I just realized that a huge part of that connection has been missing, and I have it back. I’m looking forward to seeing where this takes me.

don’t forget the music.

lookingbackward | movingforward

So do you ever have those times when sentimental memories hit you like a ton of bricks?  I was just looking at pictures from my summer of 2005, and listening to some music from back in the day.  It all came back to me, how much fun that year was.  Nights at the lake, afternoons in the yard, beer at Lloyd’s, great friends.

I am a guy who lives life moving forward at a very fast pace.  As a friend once told me, I live live leaning into the future.  But, there are those moments when I turn around and pause to survey the past.  I usually am overwhelmed with the incredibly good times I have had.  All of the great friends, experiences, memories…

I usually then become very fearful that these moments are the peak of my story.  That the better moments in life are behind me.  Sometimes we don’t realize how amazing life is until we look back and see how beautiful the scenery has really been.  Rather than standing in awe of the magnificence of the moment, we stand in awe of the past (or worse, in regret of the past).

So I guess all of that is to say (in a rather cliche way), cherish the moments of your life, and live them with passion.  I would much rather stand in awe of the future than in the regrets of the past.